Plums

Plums.  I hate you.

Movie tickets

I collect movie tickets from those films that I've seen alone.  Eversince T left me. 

I simply lost count. 

...

So near, yet so far...

How is it possible?

That you can break me, over and over again? 

Someday...

Someday my heart will stop loving you...  Someday you will no longer have any control over me.  I will break free.  Someday, you will no longer be able to hurt me and make me cry, and make me doubt myself.  Someday, I will no longer have to pretend that I am stupid just to stroke your ego.

Someday, I will meet the man that my heart chose for me.  He will love me for everything that I am and for everything that I am not.  He will accept my incapabilities and he will push me to become a better version of myself.  Someday, I will meet the man whom I will fall in love with with, my whole heart, and soul.  He will fill me with so much love and kindness, and will want me enough to fight for me--so much so that all the hurt and pain that you caused me throughout these years will all be forgotten.

Until then, you may step all over my heart as much as you want.  You may continue to treat me as your spare tire and demand that I put my life on hold for you.  Because until that someday comes, my heart will try to understand and forgive you.

And once that someday comes, I will begin to realize that what I had for you was not love at all.

Why?

And just like that, you broke my heart again...

I realized, you will never come to me.

And that I have not stopped hoping. 

Ouch?

Ever wondered what it felt like to have someone throw a glass of coldwater at you?  I think I just did.  

Hit the road, Kat.

Dear Kat,

Remind yourself of the pictures that he sent you. Remind yourself of the role you play in his life. There is no you and him. There will never be you and him. 

Yes, he was an asshole for treating you like shit, at a time when you most needed him to be in your life. When he disappeared into thin air, just when you are holding on for dear life.  Remind yourself how you needed to keep a straight face, how hard you bit the inside of your cheeks to keep yourself from crying while you explain to people why there would be no more wedding, when you yourself are still trying to find an explanation why he just left.  And you have every right to be angry at him, you do. 

But you have no right to be angry just because he doesn't love you, the way you love him.  You have no right to be angry at him every time he tells you what an embarrassment you are because of your color, because you are plain, and because you are nothing special.  You have no right, because this is the simple truth and yet you still stay anyway, and hope that one day he will be proud to call you his. 

You have done everything on your end, to at least be his friend just as he asked.  To wait, not date, not meet anybody while he figure things out, while he lives with her, because she is everything that you are not.

Remind yourself how happy he looked in that picture, standing right next to her. Remind yourself how he called her beautiful, the way he never ever did to you. 

Remind yourself, then maybe it will not hurt as much as it did the previous days. 

It's not his fault that he does not love you back.  It's not yours either.  It's simply the way it is--nothing more, nothing less.

So cry, and cry.  Indulge your heart because this is just how it is.  This is just life happening, and you are just getting the usual bad end of the deal.   Cry until it does not hurt so much anymore. 

Step back.  Let him go, because after all you want him to be with someone healthy.

Maybe one day he will be back to reconnect as a friend, then again maybe not.

But you owe it to yourself to save your heart.  You owe it to your pride, not to tell him these things.  You owe it to your heart to try to be better, to fall out of love, and to walk away when he does not want you anymore. 

Walk away Kat. Don't look back.