Ouch?

Ever wondered what it felt like to have someone throw a glass of coldwater at you?  I think I just did.  

Hit the road, Kat.

Dear Kat,

Remind yourself of the pictures that he sent you. Remind yourself of the role you play in his life. There is no you and him. There will never be you and him. 

Yes, he was an asshole for treating you like shit, at a time when you most needed him to be in your life. When he disappeared into thin air, just when you are holding on for dear life.  Remind yourself how you needed to keep a straight face, how hard you bit the inside of your cheeks to keep yourself from crying while you explain to people why there would be no more wedding, when you yourself are still trying to find an explanation why he just left.  And you have every right to be angry at him, you do. 

But you have no right to be angry just because he doesn't love you, the way you love him.  You have no right to be angry at him every time he tells you what an embarrassment you are because of your color, because you are plain, and because you are nothing special.  You have no right, because this is the simple truth and yet you still stay anyway, and hope that one day he will be proud to call you his. 

You have done everything on your end, to at least be his friend just as he asked.  To wait, not date, not meet anybody while he figure things out, while he lives with her, because she is everything that you are not.

Remind yourself how happy he looked in that picture, standing right next to her. Remind yourself how he called her beautiful, the way he never ever did to you. 

Remind yourself, then maybe it will not hurt as much as it did the previous days. 

It's not his fault that he does not love you back.  It's not yours either.  It's simply the way it is--nothing more, nothing less.

So cry, and cry.  Indulge your heart because this is just how it is.  This is just life happening, and you are just getting the usual bad end of the deal.   Cry until it does not hurt so much anymore. 

Step back.  Let him go, because after all you want him to be with someone healthy.

Maybe one day he will be back to reconnect as a friend, then again maybe not.

But you owe it to yourself to save your heart.  You owe it to your pride, not to tell him these things.  You owe it to your heart to try to be better, to fall out of love, and to walk away when he does not want you anymore. 

Walk away Kat. Don't look back.

Fix Me

Dear Whoever You Are,

Yes, that brown haired and blue eyed man whom the creepy fortunetellers found in the lines of my hand.  The brown haired and blue eyed man whom I will love with all the courage and hope I could muster.  What is taking you so long?  Why can't I find you?

I need you.  I am falling apart.  Yesterday, I finally got enough courage to get my hair shaved off.  I can see now, the truth that I refused to see when they diagnosed me thrice.  I want to live a little bit more, just so I can meet you.  But I'm scared to go out.  What if you are out there?  What if you deliberately avert your eyes at the sight of me? What if I never find you and get the chance to spend my life with you?

Let me find you soon, please.  Love me, even if I am not that much.  Love me anyway, because I know that when I find you, I will love you and give you everything that I have.  Please come find me.  Love me.  Fix me, please.