Surviving Valentines Day

     I guess for some people, February 14th is a much awaited day.  For the likes of me, however, it's just another day that I wish will be over just as soon as it began.  Sure, most of the dreading stems from a serious dose of sourgraping.  But the reality of being alone seems ever more apparent at this time of the year.  It hit me smack in the gut and no amount of Valentine-grinch-remarks will ever compensate for the fact that while people are strolling hand in hand with their special someone, there was no one there to hold mine.  


     And even if some people consider me smart...  Even if I've had countless of Valentines day spent alone, I could still not muster the immunity that I should have skillfully mastered by now.

     Because this year, it hurts more.  This year, I have no bar result to worry about.  This year, I have a glaring picture of a father and son -- only they are not mine.

     And even if it seemed extra hard to breathe...  Even if it was a herculean task to stop myself from looking at the picture...  Even if it took heaps of faith to stop myself from shedding a tear...  I woke up, it's the 15th and I'm still standing.

     One big breath...  One day at a time...

    

Lost In Cambodia

What I thought was an easy hike...

     I have no sense of direction.  Maps give me anxiety attacks and take away my sense of security.  I know that maps were designed to give you the opposite effect but somehow, for the life of me, I never figured them out.  

The trail kept on getting steeper...

     But because I am not chatty  and that I would rather "explore" than admit that I have no idea where I'm going, I attempted to make amends with maps.  A few weeks before my trip, I realized that I will be on a tight budget and will not be able to afford the luxury of riding cabs.  So I downloaded maps of Cambodia and Vietnam and tried to work out my "planned route."

     But I guess, by now (unless you weren't really paying attention), you already know that my brillant plan didn't work. On my third day in Siem Reap, I decided to visit Kbal Spean, the Valley of 1000 Lingas.  Sounds neat huh?  I mean, the name of the place alone is enough to pique one's curiosity.  It took almost two hours of butt-numbing-tuktuk-ride to get there from the town of Siem Reap.  Just like the past few days, the scenery was mostly dotted by serene rice paddies and adorable Cambodian kids waving at tourists passing by.

I'm on the right track... 

     It seemed several worlds away from where I've come from.  To just sit there and engross myself with how the locals live made me take my mind off what I had been through this year.  If only tuktuk rides can permanently cure the pain, I would have moved heaven and earth to get one for me.

     "Go down now, you must up the mountain alone."  Mr. Chang, my tuktuk driver looked irritated.  What the???  I must what the mountain???  I guessed he wanted me to get off and start my supposed-to-be-45-minute-ascent towards the falls.  Are you not going up with me, Mr. Chang?  He smirked and gave me a sweet smile while looking at me as if I just made the biggest joke in the Kingdom of Cambodia.  "Only tuktuk ride. Guide is $25!"  Are you kidding me?!?  Really?!  Aakyat na lang ako ng bundok mag isa! $25 ka dyan!  Hmph!

View from the cliff

     So I grabbed my map and headed up the trail.  It should be easy right?  All I had to do was follow the trail like a good girl.  How hard can it be?  Parang kinder lang to, you must follow the directions.  During the first ten minutes, I was in a relaxed pace.  Ha!  I will show Mr. Chang!  Pfft, 25$ my ass!  I knew I was going up but at least the ground wasn't steep.  Or so I thought...  

     Pag sinabi palang jungle, jungle talaga.  Wala naman kasi sa mapa nakalagay na kelangan ko kumapit sa mga bato bato for dear life.  Ni walang drawing ng mga puno puno!  So there I was, sticking my hands into crevices, having those rare moments when I truly wish that I was not fat. I literally had dirt inside my mouth and I'm pretty sure there were bugs happily crawling on my hair.  I was heaving like crazy and I had never been so glad that I was travelling alone.  Not really.  I must admit that this was the first time that I truly wish I was with someone.  Hundreds of thoughts raced inside my head...  What if I slip or lose my footing or fall and bump my head?  Nobody would know.  The animals in the jungle would have had third helpings of me before my tuktuk driver finally realizes that I'm still up here...  Why did I go here on my own?

I couldn't find my way back... 

     But it was too late to go down now.  There's no way that I will let Mr. Chang know that I chickened out.  How I want to wipe that smug look off his face.  So I just lifted one tired leg after another.  I felt like a veteran rock climber, only I'm pretty sure this would have been a piece of cake for them.  I climbed and grasped for vines, just going forward.  There were mini signs scattered every 100 meters, telling me that I'm still doing things right and that I was getting nearer and nearer my destination.  Then I heard it, the faint gush of flowing water.  When I reached the clearing, I saw some locals resting on the wooden  bench near the riverbed.  One girl immediately approached me and offered to bring me to the "magical spots" for $2.  I know it wasn't that much.  But I thought that if I had the galls to climb all the way up here, surely I wouldn't have problems going around the river bed and searching for the falls right?  I mean, how hard can that be?  I just need to follow the damn river and my map of course.  

From June to July, these are submerged under water

     So I declined and went suddenly still when I first caught glimpse of the riverbed.  Carved underneath were beautiful lingas.  Of course, these are phallic symbols but my admiration to them did not arose from the fact that these are basically stone carvings of penises (hehe).  The lingas were painstakingly carved there believing that they will bring fertility to the region.  Imagine drinking water from this river! hehe  This place was simply enchanting.  Everywhere I look, there was always something to gush about.  There were carvings of gods and goddesses...  Different animals...  And uhmmm well, more lingas...  

     I glanced at my map and I followed a route which was supposed to bring me to the waterfalls.  I knew it was strange because it lead me to a smaller path that cut across the jungle and away from the river.  My instincts told me that this is not the way to go.  But it must be a trick right?  Shortcut siguro to...  So because I am soooo sooo smart (not!) I followed the foot path for nearly an hour and still there was no waterfalls.  There was no more foot path as well.  The twigs and branches slapped against my cheeks.  It was time to finally admit it.  I am lost and I do not know how to get back.  

Stunning

     I tried to retrace my steps but everywhere I looked, I just saw trees and vines.  And for the first time during my trip, I cried.  And cried.  Because I was lost...  And because I'm alone. And because I am brokenhearted and I have not cried enough.   I got scared and I remembered my jokes to my mum that I will go to Cambodia to step on landmines and die a gruesome death.  I suddenly remembered what I read about Kbal Spean, that it was just recently opened to tourists because it was under the control of the Khmer Rouge for a long time and that there were still uncleared landmines in the jungle.  I suddenly remembered the handicapped vendors down the foot of the mountain where the tuktuk driver dropped me off.  What if I die here?  What if I step on a landmine?  Nobody will know...  

Lingas are supposed to fertilize the regions

     After more than an hour, I heard the sound of flowing water again.  I've never felt so relieved in my life before.  I knew then that I was safe.  In my eagerness to get back in familiar surroundings, I quickly ran towards the riverbed towards the girl who offered to be my guide.  And because I am Kat and clumsiness is my forte, my foot got caught in a large tree root (which wasn't there before, I swear).  Classic!  I have made a dramatic entrance once again.  The girl helped me up and said, "Ledi why you alone?  You have a bad man, he let you up here alone..." 

     I cried.  Probably because my knees and pride got hurt from the fall.  But more so because of what she said.  Yes, I wish he was a bad man.  But I am still in love with the "bad" man.  How do I tell her that I don't even have a man right now?  Let alone, a bad man at that?  If only I could answer her question maybe she wouldn't have thought that I was crying because I got lost.  

It was worth it.

     "Why did you go to the jungle?  There are snakes there, very big.  Not safe.  Not safe.  Next time, bring your man..."  I cried even more.  Yes lady, please rub it on my face some more.  Impakta, nakita na pala na papunta ako sa kawalan, hinayaan lang ako maglakad mag isa!  

     In my few days there, whenever I tell the locals that I'm Filipina and that I'm travelling alone, I automatically braze myself for a series of questions.  For them, it's normal to see Western women travelling on their own.  But that it's rare to see Asian women travelling without their friends or families.  Then I would get the complimentary disapproving nod and the almost predictable  "Ledi, next time, bring your man...  Not safe... Not safe..."

I should have stayed near the banks

     The girl, who later told me that her name was Savar (or something that sounds like that), snatched my map and told me that I was holding it the opposite way.  Pesteng mapa, wala kang kwenta!  I was just glad to find my way back that I finally agreed for Savar to guide me down the falls.  

On my way back

     There was more climbing and rock clinging, but this time Savar was there happily pointing out that at my age, she already had five children.  "Ledi, maybe you should stop eating so you find a man."  I know what she meant.  I have heard the same line from my mother over and over.  I didn't mind, I was just glad to hear her broken English, even if she was rubbing the im-married-you-are-fat-and-single-dialogue on my face.  

     I finally reached the falls and everything was magical...  For a brief moment, everything felt right.  Everything felt unbelievably right.  And then Savar's "Ledi Ledi" tirade broke my reverie.  While she was happily chatting away, I was busy pondering how on earth those carvings got there.  How can anyone give so much time, so much devotion?  It was stunning...  To see these during my time...  To witness something that was etched by time...  Something that I thought I had.

     I might have gotten lost and my map might have been useless, but I got here...  I would have done it all over again (well, maybe not the getting lost part).  If only for that brief moment that everything felt undeniably right, I would have done it all over again...

A taste of Saigon

     I was more than anxious to leave Phnom Penh this morning.  The horrors of what I saw yesterday were still imprinted in my memory.  I just had to get out of that city...

City Hall at Night

     The six hour bus ride from Phnom Penh to Ho Chih Minh didn't feel that long.  I was seated next to Chloe, an Australian who used to run an art gallery in Melbourne until she quit her job to travel.  I wish I had the luxury of time (and money) like her.  Libre naman mangarap, bakit ba?  In a few days, my ass will be back in the office and all of these will just be reduced to nothing but a beautiful memory.  While Chloe was busy finishing a quilt (yes, she was making a quilt inside the bus), I was in turn feeding her with info about the Philippines.  I swear, the Department of Tourism would have been proud of me.  

   The bus made its final stop along Pham Ngu Lao Street.  As soon as I got my luggage, I was swarmed with taxi and moto drivers quoting their hilarious prices.  Para akong Math genius, I was busy coverting VNDs to Pesos.  Thinking that I was smart enough to figure out my map (at dahil na rin sa purdoy ako), I smugly declined their offers and made my way across Bui Vien Street where hundreds of cheap hotels dotted the street.  

My pasa (bruise) from fending off the motorbike.  Made in Vietnam!

     Before I came here, I have read numerous articles about the streets of Saigon.  When crossing the street, walk slowly and let the motorbikes move around you.  Piece of cake yeah? So I thought.  I took a deep breath and slowly (s-l-o-w-l-y) made my way across the other side of the road.  I was halfway down the middle until I heard some Vietnamese gibberish screaming my way.  Siguro, yun yung version nila ng: "P*tang *na, tumabi ka dyan!!!!!" hahahahahaha.   Before I knew it, I was face to face with a speeding motorbike.  I was literally waiting for my life to flash before me.  Lord, wag mo naman ako kunin sa ganitong paraan.  Di ako maganda tingnan sa casket ko pag nagkataon!  I froze and held my arms across my chest.  He tried to swerve away but it was too late to save my luggage.  L*che, sa Pilipinas nga hindi ako nababangga!!!  I closed my eyes and brazed myself for the impact.  I felt the metal hit my hand and my hips.  I don't think I will ever forget the screeching sound as he hit the brakes.  My hip bone ached like hell and I found my ass ungracefully on the ground, a few steps away from where I was originally standing.  Masakit pala mabangga ng motor, nakakahiya pa.  Sana truck na lang, at least maawa sayo mga tao....  Pasalamat sya kamay ko lang natamaan nya, kundi wasak motor nya hahahaha.

Pho bo

     So there I was, in the middle of an intersection making a fool of myself.  I stood up slowly, my ego taking bulk of the damage.  Para akong artista, pinapanood ako ng mga tao sa kalsada...  Sabi siguro nila, ang engot naman ng babaeng to.  Magpapabangga lang, sa motor pa!  I wasn't hurt that badly, but I must admit I did lose my dignity there.  The motorbike driver scratched his head and kept saying "Suwi Miss, suwi Miss, suwi Miss."  I guess he was saying sorry, unless "suwi" meant that he was cursing the hell out of me.  I apologized and just smiled, knowing that for the most part, I was to share part (most) of the blame.  I drew consolation from the fact that nobody knows me, in a few hours, this incident will be forgotten.  I am just another face in the crowd.  Just part of an every day motorcycle accident statistics in this part of the world.  So I hurriedly dragged my stupid luggage at the other side of the road, feeling my cheeks grow hotter and hotter from my "star performance".  Really Kat?!?  A motorcylce??  My sorry dignity would have been happier if I got hit by a truck...  But no, it had to be a freaking motorcycle yeah?  Para din pala Manila to, di dapat pinapaniwalaan ang mga traffic lights!  So much for walking slowly huh?

Notre Dame Basilica

     And because I'm smart and one hell of a genius, all the hotels which I have shortlisted were all fully booked.  I was too busy concentrating on Cambodia that I didn't bother to make reservations for Saigon.  I had no choice but to hail a taxi to be taken to another side of the town where the more expensive hotels are.  Ayan, kuripot kasi.  Gagastos ka na rin lang, nagpabangga ka pa!

       I finally settled with Halo Hotel for a $30/night room.  It was double of what had I spent in Siem Reap but I was too tired to look for a much cheaper place.  Besides, I didn't want to be ran over by a motorbike again.  Baka mainis na si Lord, lubus lubusin na nya hahaha.

      After taking a quick shower, I went down the reception to ask for directions.  Wrong move...  Mas gugustuhin ko pa magbigti kesa intindihin yung English nya!   While the receptionist was charming, let's just say that English is not her forte.  So instead, I settled again with a map and prayed to God that I will be able to find my way back to the hotel.

Ca Phe Sua Da...  

     After thirty five minutes, my heart skipped a bit when I caught a glimpse of the Notre Dame Basilica. Haha, to think that I was aiming for the Reunification Palace.  I must have been reading the map the other way around again hahahahahaha.  And just like any other tourists, I took my camera out, put on my game face and aimed for the perfect shot.  Click.  Nothing.  I tried again...  Click.  ANAK NG TINAPAY!!!  Yes Kat, admit it.  You left the battery happily charging away inside your hotel room.  Epic failure, as always.  Reluctantly, I took out my phone and took pictures with a heavy heart. I swear, I will go back here tomorrow with a planned route and a fully charged camera!

  

   Except for the near death experience (ok, maybe not as dramatic as that) with the notorious motorbike, I think I like Saigon.  Tomorrow, I will go around the city and try not to get killed.  Tonight, I stuffed myself with Phở Bò Viên and two glasses of Cà Phê Sữa Đá.  Hello Saigon, you nearly killed me today.... 

Letter from Siem Reap, Cambodia

Dear Dad and Muymuy,

     It's already 12.57am (2 February 2011) and I still haven't figured out how to close my luggage.  I have tried every technique from rolling my shirts into tiny bundles, sitting on my luggage, rearranging and what nots.  It just wouldn't budge.  So for now, I have surrendered to the idea of dealing with  three hand carries--something that I dread the most.  Blame it on my sisters for asking pasalubong time and again.

     Tonight is my last night in Siem Reap.  In a few hours, I will leave this amazing place and take a 6 hour bus ride to Cambodia's capital, Phnom Penh.  I have no plans and I have no idea where to stay there since I initially decided to skip it altogether.  Bahala na...  I am sure I will find a place to stay despite the upcoming Tet holiday (Cambodian New Year).  

     I know I haven't been updating my blog and had been keeping you in the dark for a few days now.  Rest assured that I am still alive and kicking over here.  Don't worry, I didn't step on any landmines today.  Everyday, I discover new things about people, places and most specially, myself.

     Today, for example, I took a steep hike (1700m) to visit a Hindu pilgrimage site called Kbal Spean, the Valley of 1000 Lingas.  I promise to give you a blow by blow account and write about it later.  But I did get lost for an hour and ended up in the middle of nowhere.  I was able to find the way back, but by then, I was crying and feeling sorry for myself.  And as if it wasn't enough, my foot got caught in a massive tree root (which I swear wasn't there before).  I wasn't seriously hurt, but my ego was hahaha.  Don't worry, I have bruises from climbing the temples the other day too.

     If only I can capture the sounds, the smell and the sights of this place, I would take it home with me.  It is like a different era here.  I wish you can see it one day.

     I know you guys have seen so much more than my few days here.  The many months you've spent all over Europe is probably nothing compared to my brief stay here.  Both of you have been blessed to share your stories about your travels and I had always marvelled at that.  Now, it's my turn.  And I will.

     Please tell Kuya that I am taking good care of his precious camera.  I have tried to follow his tips but most of the times, I just snap away and depend on luck for good shots.  Please tell Ate that the elephant she's been asking for is way out of my budget and most of them have their tusks pointing down anyway. As for Joy, please let her know that I am cursing her from miles away because I can't close my luggage.  

     I love you so much.  I have met so many orphans yesterday and it made me appreciate you and my siblings even more.  Seeing them made me thankful for the kind of life that we were given, the education that you've instilled in us and the unconditional love that you've shared with us.  Our life is far from perfect, but being here reminded me of how blessed we are.

     Thank you for letting me take this journey...  I will try to close my luggage now and get a few hours of rest before I finally bid goodbye to Siem Reap.  I miss you.

 Love,

Kat