Ouch?

Ever wondered what it felt like to have someone throw a glass of coldwater at you?  I think I just did.  

Hit the road, Kat.

Dear Kat,

Remind yourself of the pictures that he sent you. Remind yourself of the role you play in his life. There is no you and him. There will never be you and him. 

Yes, he was an asshole for treating you like shit, at a time when you most needed him to be in your life. When he disappeared into thin air, just when you are holding on for dear life.  Remind yourself how you needed to keep a straight face, how hard you bit the inside of your cheeks to keep yourself from crying while you explain to people why there would be no more wedding, when you yourself are still trying to find an explanation why he just left.  And you have every right to be angry at him, you do. 

But you have no right to be angry just because he doesn't love you, the way you love him.  You have no right to be angry at him every time he tells you what an embarrassment you are because of your color, because you are plain, and because you are nothing special.  You have no right, because this is the simple truth and yet you still stay anyway, and hope that one day he will be proud to call you his. 

You have done everything on your end, to at least be his friend just as he asked.  To wait, not date, not meet anybody while he figure things out, while he lives with her, because she is everything that you are not.

Remind yourself how happy he looked in that picture, standing right next to her. Remind yourself how he called her beautiful, the way he never ever did to you. 

Remind yourself, then maybe it will not hurt as much as it did the previous days. 

It's not his fault that he does not love you back.  It's not yours either.  It's simply the way it is--nothing more, nothing less.

So cry, and cry.  Indulge your heart because this is just how it is.  This is just life happening, and you are just getting the usual bad end of the deal.   Cry until it does not hurt so much anymore. 

Step back.  Let him go, because after all you want him to be with someone healthy.

Maybe one day he will be back to reconnect as a friend, then again maybe not.

But you owe it to yourself to save your heart.  You owe it to your pride, not to tell him these things.  You owe it to your heart to try to be better, to fall out of love, and to walk away when he does not want you anymore. 

Walk away Kat. Don't look back.

Fix Me

Dear Whoever You Are,

Yes, that brown haired and blue eyed man whom the creepy fortunetellers found in the lines of my hand.  The brown haired and blue eyed man whom I will love with all the courage and hope I could muster.  What is taking you so long?  Why can't I find you?

I need you.  I am falling apart.  Yesterday, I finally got enough courage to get my hair shaved off.  I can see now, the truth that I refused to see when they diagnosed me thrice.  I want to live a little bit more, just so I can meet you.  But I'm scared to go out.  What if you are out there?  What if you deliberately avert your eyes at the sight of me? What if I never find you and get the chance to spend my life with you?

Let me find you soon, please.  Love me, even if I am not that much.  Love me anyway, because I know that when I find you, I will love you and give you everything that I have.  Please come find me.  Love me.  Fix me, please. 

Phone calls and random acts of kindness

Last bus to Chiang Mai

     I hate airports.  I was nearly in tears and felt sorry for myself.  I pressed the phone harder against my ear as I wandered aimlessly.  I tried again.  It rang once... Twice...  And then the phone clicks, a deep voice picks up: "Halloooo?"  And just like that, everything felt right again... 

     I don't really recall what I told my friend and vice versa.  I must have ranted and whined, not really knowing how to change my luck.  It didn't matter that those few minutes will put a huge dent on my phone bill when I get back home.  It didn't really matter that neither of us had any rational solutions at that time.  I guess, I just really needed to know that I was not alone in this strange country.  That I have someone to run to if things get worse.  It felt so damned good to hear his voice.  By then, I found myself at the taxi queue determined not to get stuck in Bangkok that night.  Trying to conserve what's left of my battery, I told my friend that I will try my luck at the bus station.  We didn't know if it was a practical thing to do.  It was already late and neither of us knew the bus schedules...

     "Mochit bus station, please?"  The taxi driver just looked back at me through the mirror.  He barely said a word as we whizzed past through the city traffic.  "Where you go?", he asked.  So I repeated what I said earlier, "Mochit bus station, please."  He scratched his head, as he turned to face me.  He had this are-you-dumb-or-what-expression on his face.  "Where you go with the bus station?!?"  Ahhh, it suddenly hit me that he was probably asking about my ultimate destination.  "Chiang Mai, I am going to Chiang Mai."  He eyed me warily and asked me where I was from.  "Manila, Philippines."  He breaks into a smile, "Ahhhh, Phiwippines... Manny Pacquiao!"  I could not help but smile, if only Manny Pacquiao can save my ass today.  He nods, as if I said the right words to say, turned his head back and concentrated on his driving.  I started to relax, only to hear him say:  "Too late, no more bus in Mochit.  I will take you to bus company."

     At that very moment, my eyes fluttered to the taxi meter :  243 baht.  I eyed him suspiciously as we skirted through dimly lit streets.  He did not want to take me to the bus station and I was just too tired to insist.  We stopped at a bus terminal and without so much of a word, he yanks my door open and told me to step out.  "340 baht", he says.  So I handed him the money.  He went to the trunk and took out my luggage.  "Oki, lady.  Let's go buy your ticket to Chiang mai."  He hurried past me, all the while dragging my luggage to the ticket counter.  My mouth must have been hanging open as I watched him converse with the lady...  All I could make out between their conversation were:  VIP Bus, Chiang Mai, VIP Bus, Chiang Mai.  At that moment, I realized that I was at the  mercy of this cab driver. The lady behind the ticket counter looked at me, as if I have something to be ashamed of.  "No more bus, you wait tomorrow."  My heart began to sink.  I glanced at my phone.  My battery only had 3% left in it.  I could not help but feel as if the whole world was conspiring against me.

     The cab driver pushed past me, with my sorry luggage crunching against the stone pavement.  "Hurry, we go to another bus company.  VIP Bus to Chiang Mai."  I wanted to yell at him and shake him violently.  I didn't care whether I had to sit on a truck full of elephants.  I just wanted to get my arse out of Bangkok.  By the time we got to the other bus station, the taxi meter says I owe him yet another 250 baht.  I looked at my wallet and mentally hit my head realizing that I only had almost 1500 worth Thailand baht.  I had no idea how much the bus ticket would cost, if I even get to one.  Helplessly, I took my place at the back seat and prayed to God that there'll be enough baht to cover everything.

     By the time the cab driver decided to finally drop me off at the bus station, we've already gone to three different bus companies who all told me the same thing:  "No more bus to Chiang Mai."  Everything was full.  At this time around, the cab meter showed that I owed him 300+ additional baht. 

     I was drained, mentally and physically.  I resigned to the possibility that I might have to sleep at the bus station.  I dragged my feet out of the cab while the driver rushed to the ticket counter taking with him my luggage.  I was mentally throwing imaginary daggers at his back.  I was so sure that he scammed me by dropping me off at the bus companies rather than directly at the bus station.  I was hungry.  It was already nearly 10 pm and I remember that sorry piece of hotdog sandwich I last ate at 11 am that day...  "Hurry!!!!  There's one more seat at the next bus!!!"  I looked up and momentarily stopped throwing imaginary daggers at him.  Did I hear him right?  I saw him waving happily, motioning for me to go towards the ticket counter. 

     I was in a daze.  I paid for my ticket while the cab driver patiently waited...  I turned to him, just grateful that finally I will be able to go to Chiang Mai after all.  I fished 400 baht out of my pocket and handed it to him.  "No. No. No.  You already paid me 340 earlier."  "Yes, but I owe you an additional 400 right?"

     He smiled and shook his head furiously.  "No. No. No. Don't pay.  It's my fault because I take you last to the bus station."  I wanted to hug him but I didn't want to look weird.  Haha.  "I say bye bye now.  Chiang Mai very far, but beautiful."   

     My heart was swelling with gratitude.  I realized that these random acts of kindness give me hope.  I smiled despite my grumbling tummy.  Because right there, at that moment, in that busy bus station, I had everything I could ever ask for.  To know that right here, somewhere in the busy section of Bangkok, I have a good friend who nonetheless picked up my frantic phone calls and an honest cab driver who went out of his way to help his random passenger...  

     Maybe, just maybe, the world isn't conspiring against me after all...

On Missed Flights and Disappointments...

Five minutes before landing in Bangkok... 

     People often say that misadventures make a great story.  Yes, they do.  I agree.  But on the exact moment that I land my bum in it, a great story isn't really what I had in mind.  Honestly?  All I could think of was --->  God, why me?  For the love of God, why me?

     I remember barely sleeping the night before my flight to Bangkok.  I had been busy with work the entire week that I only managed to pack the night before my trip.  

     Because I am such a cheapskate (and poor), I had to take the cheapest flight out from Clark airport, which meant that I have to travel more than two hours from Manila.  Even if my Bangkok flight was not until 3.40pm that day, I had to catch the 9.00am bus to Clark, otherwise, I will not make it in time for my check-in.  

     To cut the long story short, I arrived at Clark airport four hours too early.  Only to find out hours later that my cheap budget flight will be delayed.  I was feeling smug, knowing that when I get to Bangkok, I still have almost two hours to catch my connecting flight to Chiang Mai.  I mean, I spent a few extra bucks rescheduling that flight, determined that nothing can keep me from getting to Chiang Mai on the very same night.  My plan was flawless.  Or maybe not... 

      I finally landed in Bangkok.  I made it without so much of a fuss.  It felt so good to finally get to this place, remembering how just last year, I had to cancel my Bangkok trip because of the terrible flood.  I craned my neck, looking at the beautiful Bangkok skyline.  Unlike Manila, it wasn't really dotted with towering skyscrapers.  Nonetheless, my head was filled with visions of ancient Siam, of tigers and elephants, of serene beaches and floating markets...  And then I closed my eyes, and suddenly I remembered stories of horrendous ordeals tourists sometimes go through with Thai immigration.  Mechanically, I checked my backpack for planted marijuana and what nots...  Hahaha, I know, it may sound silly, but I had visions of me being featured in Locked Up Abroad...  Hell no...

      I checked my watch...  I had an hour and forty five minutes before I make a dash from Suvarnabhumi airport to Don Mueang airport.  I smiled smugly, everything was going exactly as I planned...  And then the next thing I know, everything started falling apart...

     No, I didn't get busted for planted cocaine...  Instead, the immigration queue slowly squeezed every inch of happiness I felt when I landed in Bangkok.  There were herds, yes, herds of tourists everywhere... 

     By the time I got through immigration and retrieved my luggage, I had 30 minutes left to get my ass to Don Mueang airport...  I ran as fast as I could.  Then I realized that I had only dollars with me.  So barely catching my breath, I dashed for the money exchange counter.  And because I was hopeful, I only exchanged 50$, thinking that I would only need so much to cover my taxi fare to the other airport. 

     And because I was smart enough to pack my eyeglasses inside my luggage, I could not for the life of me read the signs that led to the taxi stand.  So I asked the airport guards:  "I need to get a taxi to Don Mueang?"   And they just stare at me, nodding, pointing at different directions... I was frantic...  I finally found the information counter, only to be told:  "No lady, impossible.  It will take more than an hour to get there.  You will not make it."

    If there's something that I never forgot from my Italian university course, it will be this:  "Per l'amore di Dio!  Perché proprio a me?  Perché proprio a me?"

      I don't have any plan B's...  I was so sure that this will go smoothly that I never even considered the possibility that I might be stranded in Bangkok.  With a heavy heart, I took out my phone...  4% Battery left...  Good job, Kat... Good job!  I phoned the only person I know in Bangkok...  Not minding how much of a dent this call would cause in my phone bill, I clutched my phone tightly waiting patiently for my friend to pick up....  It rang once, twice, thrice...  At the background, I can hear my phone signalling the almost empty battery...  I tried again...  It rang once, twice, thrice.....

     I suddenly remembered how I barely slept the night before...  And it all ends to this huh?  For the love of God, why me?  Why me?

To be continued...

Step back and give way

It's been two years since that fateful day in July when my life changed, when you took something that I valued the most only to hurl it back on my face.  You took something precious, and yet you trampled it and laughed at my inexperience.  And throughout that period, I have always wondered when the day will come that I will become tired of loving you.  I am still praying for that day to come, so that my heart can accommodate or even contemplate the idea of falling in love with another person who may want me.

I was up all night replaying the conversations that we recently had.  I realized that all of a sudden, I am now the outsider in this story.  I wonder if this is my perpetual role in life-- to step back and give way...  Truly, there must be someone out there that fate solely intended for me right?

I have given everything that I have already.  Sometimes, I try to squeeze myself for more.  But what can I do?  There's nothing much that I can do from here.  I have to stay away now and let him find his own way back to me--if that's what's supposed to be.  If not, then I have to find my own way and just hope that everything is just part of the journey that I have to take.

Most of the times, I worry that one day, my heart will literally  give up on me.  That it might not be as resilient as I thought it was.  But then I know that one day, it will get better...  I mean, surely, I'm not a tragic story right?

Singapore and back...

   Okay...  I wasn't exactly alone for my short rendezvous with Singapore.  It was neither a leisure trip to begin with.  Good Lord, it wasn't a leisure trip...  Let's just say that six days in Singapore should have been more than enough time for me to see all of it.

     But hell no....  I only saw a glimpse of the infamous Bugis Junction...  The inside and out of the Conrad Hotel...  The nearby malls...  The MRT...   Morton's at Madarin Hotel...  Maxwell Chambers, the arbitration court...  The airport...  The road enroute and back to the airport....  That hideous fountain...  Oh yes, and the Merlion covered with a big red box...

     And what about the Universal Studios?  Night Safari?  And all those places that I should have seen but didn't have time to?  Zilch... 

I  shall see you up close and personal next time Singapore...  


Ticket for one, PLEASE...