Step back and give way

It's been two years since that fateful day in July when my life changed, when you took something that I valued the most only to hurl it back on my face.  You took something precious, and yet you trampled it and laughed at my inexperience.  And throughout that period, I have always wondered when the day will come that I will become tired of loving you.  I am still praying for that day to come, so that my heart can accommodate or even contemplate the idea of falling in love with another person who may want me.

I was up all night replaying the conversations that we recently had.  I realized that all of a sudden, I am now the outsider in this story.  I wonder if this is my perpetual role in life-- to step back and give way...  Truly, there must be someone out there that fate solely intended for me right?

I have given everything that I have already.  Sometimes, I try to squeeze myself for more.  But what can I do?  There's nothing much that I can do from here.  I have to stay away now and let him find his own way back to me--if that's what's supposed to be.  If not, then I have to find my own way and just hope that everything is just part of the journey that I have to take.

Most of the times, I worry that one day, my heart will literally  give up on me.  That it might not be as resilient as I thought it was.  But then I know that one day, it will get better...  I mean, surely, I'm not a tragic story right?

Singapore and back...

   Okay...  I wasn't exactly alone for my short rendezvous with Singapore.  It was neither a leisure trip to begin with.  Good Lord, it wasn't a leisure trip...  Let's just say that six days in Singapore should have been more than enough time for me to see all of it.

     But hell no....  I only saw a glimpse of the infamous Bugis Junction...  The inside and out of the Conrad Hotel...  The nearby malls...  The MRT...   Morton's at Madarin Hotel...  Maxwell Chambers, the arbitration court...  The airport...  The road enroute and back to the airport....  That hideous fountain...  Oh yes, and the Merlion covered with a big red box...

     And what about the Universal Studios?  Night Safari?  And all those places that I should have seen but didn't have time to?  Zilch... 

I  shall see you up close and personal next time Singapore...  


Ticket for one, PLEASE... 

The aftermath...

   

      When I started this blog a few months ago, I initially intended it for my solo adventures.  At the risk of infusing an "emo-feel" to this post, let us just say that I was trying to heal my broken heart back then (still broken, by the way haha).  I guess, I was tired of wallowing in self pity that I felt like I simply had to go away.  Far away.  Alone.  

     So off I went on my own for ten days.  It was beautiful.  I was euphoric.  For a while there, I forgot that I was brokenhearted.  For ten days or so, that wound in my heart seemed to have stopped throbbing painfully.  My tear ducts seemed to have ran out of supply for once.  I was happy.  I was so sure that there's no more going back to that gloomy place I had been holing myself in for more than a year now.  I thought I was brillant!  At least, I thought I was...

     A few days after I got back from my solo adventure, the novelty of it all started wearing off.   My self induced "anesthesia" started to wane out.  I logged in on my facebook account only to see a picture of the man I love with his newborn baby Patrick.  I smiled and remembered how just a year ago, we talked about naming our first boy "Patrick."  Only, the baby in the picture isn't mine.  And so was he, at least, not anymore.  And just like that, I found myself back to square one.  It's like I never left. 

     I realized that the aftermath is not exactly as sweet as I thought it would be.  I can go on a double trip to hell and back and things will not go away just like that.  I will still hurt.  I will still cry whenever I remember him.  

     But going away reminded me that it will not hurt like this forever.  That things do get better in time.  So I am a bit hopeful...  I will keep on trying until one day, it doesn't hurt as much to remember.

Where should I go next?

     

Surviving Valentines Day

     I guess for some people, February 14th is a much awaited day.  For the likes of me, however, it's just another day that I wish will be over just as soon as it began.  Sure, most of the dreading stems from a serious dose of sourgraping.  But the reality of being alone seems ever more apparent at this time of the year.  It hit me smack in the gut and no amount of Valentine-grinch-remarks will ever compensate for the fact that while people are strolling hand in hand with their special someone, there was no one there to hold mine.  


     And even if some people consider me smart...  Even if I've had countless of Valentines day spent alone, I could still not muster the immunity that I should have skillfully mastered by now.

     Because this year, it hurts more.  This year, I have no bar result to worry about.  This year, I have a glaring picture of a father and son -- only they are not mine.

     And even if it seemed extra hard to breathe...  Even if it was a herculean task to stop myself from looking at the picture...  Even if it took heaps of faith to stop myself from shedding a tear...  I woke up, it's the 15th and I'm still standing.

     One big breath...  One day at a time...

    

Lost In Cambodia

What I thought was an easy hike...

     I have no sense of direction.  Maps give me anxiety attacks and take away my sense of security.  I know that maps were designed to give you the opposite effect but somehow, for the life of me, I never figured them out.  

The trail kept on getting steeper...

     But because I am not chatty  and that I would rather "explore" than admit that I have no idea where I'm going, I attempted to make amends with maps.  A few weeks before my trip, I realized that I will be on a tight budget and will not be able to afford the luxury of riding cabs.  So I downloaded maps of Cambodia and Vietnam and tried to work out my "planned route."

     But I guess, by now (unless you weren't really paying attention), you already know that my brillant plan didn't work. On my third day in Siem Reap, I decided to visit Kbal Spean, the Valley of 1000 Lingas.  Sounds neat huh?  I mean, the name of the place alone is enough to pique one's curiosity.  It took almost two hours of butt-numbing-tuktuk-ride to get there from the town of Siem Reap.  Just like the past few days, the scenery was mostly dotted by serene rice paddies and adorable Cambodian kids waving at tourists passing by.

I'm on the right track... 

     It seemed several worlds away from where I've come from.  To just sit there and engross myself with how the locals live made me take my mind off what I had been through this year.  If only tuktuk rides can permanently cure the pain, I would have moved heaven and earth to get one for me.

     "Go down now, you must up the mountain alone."  Mr. Chang, my tuktuk driver looked irritated.  What the???  I must what the mountain???  I guessed he wanted me to get off and start my supposed-to-be-45-minute-ascent towards the falls.  Are you not going up with me, Mr. Chang?  He smirked and gave me a sweet smile while looking at me as if I just made the biggest joke in the Kingdom of Cambodia.  "Only tuktuk ride. Guide is $25!"  Are you kidding me?!?  Really?!  Aakyat na lang ako ng bundok mag isa! $25 ka dyan!  Hmph!

View from the cliff

     So I grabbed my map and headed up the trail.  It should be easy right?  All I had to do was follow the trail like a good girl.  How hard can it be?  Parang kinder lang to, you must follow the directions.  During the first ten minutes, I was in a relaxed pace.  Ha!  I will show Mr. Chang!  Pfft, 25$ my ass!  I knew I was going up but at least the ground wasn't steep.  Or so I thought...  

     Pag sinabi palang jungle, jungle talaga.  Wala naman kasi sa mapa nakalagay na kelangan ko kumapit sa mga bato bato for dear life.  Ni walang drawing ng mga puno puno!  So there I was, sticking my hands into crevices, having those rare moments when I truly wish that I was not fat. I literally had dirt inside my mouth and I'm pretty sure there were bugs happily crawling on my hair.  I was heaving like crazy and I had never been so glad that I was travelling alone.  Not really.  I must admit that this was the first time that I truly wish I was with someone.  Hundreds of thoughts raced inside my head...  What if I slip or lose my footing or fall and bump my head?  Nobody would know.  The animals in the jungle would have had third helpings of me before my tuktuk driver finally realizes that I'm still up here...  Why did I go here on my own?

I couldn't find my way back... 

     But it was too late to go down now.  There's no way that I will let Mr. Chang know that I chickened out.  How I want to wipe that smug look off his face.  So I just lifted one tired leg after another.  I felt like a veteran rock climber, only I'm pretty sure this would have been a piece of cake for them.  I climbed and grasped for vines, just going forward.  There were mini signs scattered every 100 meters, telling me that I'm still doing things right and that I was getting nearer and nearer my destination.  Then I heard it, the faint gush of flowing water.  When I reached the clearing, I saw some locals resting on the wooden  bench near the riverbed.  One girl immediately approached me and offered to bring me to the "magical spots" for $2.  I know it wasn't that much.  But I thought that if I had the galls to climb all the way up here, surely I wouldn't have problems going around the river bed and searching for the falls right?  I mean, how hard can that be?  I just need to follow the damn river and my map of course.  

From June to July, these are submerged under water

     So I declined and went suddenly still when I first caught glimpse of the riverbed.  Carved underneath were beautiful lingas.  Of course, these are phallic symbols but my admiration to them did not arose from the fact that these are basically stone carvings of penises (hehe).  The lingas were painstakingly carved there believing that they will bring fertility to the region.  Imagine drinking water from this river! hehe  This place was simply enchanting.  Everywhere I look, there was always something to gush about.  There were carvings of gods and goddesses...  Different animals...  And uhmmm well, more lingas...  

     I glanced at my map and I followed a route which was supposed to bring me to the waterfalls.  I knew it was strange because it lead me to a smaller path that cut across the jungle and away from the river.  My instincts told me that this is not the way to go.  But it must be a trick right?  Shortcut siguro to...  So because I am soooo sooo smart (not!) I followed the foot path for nearly an hour and still there was no waterfalls.  There was no more foot path as well.  The twigs and branches slapped against my cheeks.  It was time to finally admit it.  I am lost and I do not know how to get back.  

Stunning

     I tried to retrace my steps but everywhere I looked, I just saw trees and vines.  And for the first time during my trip, I cried.  And cried.  Because I was lost...  And because I'm alone. And because I am brokenhearted and I have not cried enough.   I got scared and I remembered my jokes to my mum that I will go to Cambodia to step on landmines and die a gruesome death.  I suddenly remembered what I read about Kbal Spean, that it was just recently opened to tourists because it was under the control of the Khmer Rouge for a long time and that there were still uncleared landmines in the jungle.  I suddenly remembered the handicapped vendors down the foot of the mountain where the tuktuk driver dropped me off.  What if I die here?  What if I step on a landmine?  Nobody will know...  

Lingas are supposed to fertilize the regions

     After more than an hour, I heard the sound of flowing water again.  I've never felt so relieved in my life before.  I knew then that I was safe.  In my eagerness to get back in familiar surroundings, I quickly ran towards the riverbed towards the girl who offered to be my guide.  And because I am Kat and clumsiness is my forte, my foot got caught in a large tree root (which wasn't there before, I swear).  Classic!  I have made a dramatic entrance once again.  The girl helped me up and said, "Ledi why you alone?  You have a bad man, he let you up here alone..." 

     I cried.  Probably because my knees and pride got hurt from the fall.  But more so because of what she said.  Yes, I wish he was a bad man.  But I am still in love with the "bad" man.  How do I tell her that I don't even have a man right now?  Let alone, a bad man at that?  If only I could answer her question maybe she wouldn't have thought that I was crying because I got lost.  

It was worth it.

     "Why did you go to the jungle?  There are snakes there, very big.  Not safe.  Not safe.  Next time, bring your man..."  I cried even more.  Yes lady, please rub it on my face some more.  Impakta, nakita na pala na papunta ako sa kawalan, hinayaan lang ako maglakad mag isa!  

     In my few days there, whenever I tell the locals that I'm Filipina and that I'm travelling alone, I automatically braze myself for a series of questions.  For them, it's normal to see Western women travelling on their own.  But that it's rare to see Asian women travelling without their friends or families.  Then I would get the complimentary disapproving nod and the almost predictable  "Ledi, next time, bring your man...  Not safe... Not safe..."

I should have stayed near the banks

     The girl, who later told me that her name was Savar (or something that sounds like that), snatched my map and told me that I was holding it the opposite way.  Pesteng mapa, wala kang kwenta!  I was just glad to find my way back that I finally agreed for Savar to guide me down the falls.  

On my way back

     There was more climbing and rock clinging, but this time Savar was there happily pointing out that at my age, she already had five children.  "Ledi, maybe you should stop eating so you find a man."  I know what she meant.  I have heard the same line from my mother over and over.  I didn't mind, I was just glad to hear her broken English, even if she was rubbing the im-married-you-are-fat-and-single-dialogue on my face.  

     I finally reached the falls and everything was magical...  For a brief moment, everything felt right.  Everything felt unbelievably right.  And then Savar's "Ledi Ledi" tirade broke my reverie.  While she was happily chatting away, I was busy pondering how on earth those carvings got there.  How can anyone give so much time, so much devotion?  It was stunning...  To see these during my time...  To witness something that was etched by time...  Something that I thought I had.

     I might have gotten lost and my map might have been useless, but I got here...  I would have done it all over again (well, maybe not the getting lost part).  If only for that brief moment that everything felt undeniably right, I would have done it all over again...

A taste of Saigon

     I was more than anxious to leave Phnom Penh this morning.  The horrors of what I saw yesterday were still imprinted in my memory.  I just had to get out of that city...

City Hall at Night

     The six hour bus ride from Phnom Penh to Ho Chih Minh didn't feel that long.  I was seated next to Chloe, an Australian who used to run an art gallery in Melbourne until she quit her job to travel.  I wish I had the luxury of time (and money) like her.  Libre naman mangarap, bakit ba?  In a few days, my ass will be back in the office and all of these will just be reduced to nothing but a beautiful memory.  While Chloe was busy finishing a quilt (yes, she was making a quilt inside the bus), I was in turn feeding her with info about the Philippines.  I swear, the Department of Tourism would have been proud of me.  

   The bus made its final stop along Pham Ngu Lao Street.  As soon as I got my luggage, I was swarmed with taxi and moto drivers quoting their hilarious prices.  Para akong Math genius, I was busy coverting VNDs to Pesos.  Thinking that I was smart enough to figure out my map (at dahil na rin sa purdoy ako), I smugly declined their offers and made my way across Bui Vien Street where hundreds of cheap hotels dotted the street.  

My pasa (bruise) from fending off the motorbike.  Made in Vietnam!

     Before I came here, I have read numerous articles about the streets of Saigon.  When crossing the street, walk slowly and let the motorbikes move around you.  Piece of cake yeah? So I thought.  I took a deep breath and slowly (s-l-o-w-l-y) made my way across the other side of the road.  I was halfway down the middle until I heard some Vietnamese gibberish screaming my way.  Siguro, yun yung version nila ng: "P*tang *na, tumabi ka dyan!!!!!" hahahahahaha.   Before I knew it, I was face to face with a speeding motorbike.  I was literally waiting for my life to flash before me.  Lord, wag mo naman ako kunin sa ganitong paraan.  Di ako maganda tingnan sa casket ko pag nagkataon!  I froze and held my arms across my chest.  He tried to swerve away but it was too late to save my luggage.  L*che, sa Pilipinas nga hindi ako nababangga!!!  I closed my eyes and brazed myself for the impact.  I felt the metal hit my hand and my hips.  I don't think I will ever forget the screeching sound as he hit the brakes.  My hip bone ached like hell and I found my ass ungracefully on the ground, a few steps away from where I was originally standing.  Masakit pala mabangga ng motor, nakakahiya pa.  Sana truck na lang, at least maawa sayo mga tao....  Pasalamat sya kamay ko lang natamaan nya, kundi wasak motor nya hahahaha.

Pho bo

     So there I was, in the middle of an intersection making a fool of myself.  I stood up slowly, my ego taking bulk of the damage.  Para akong artista, pinapanood ako ng mga tao sa kalsada...  Sabi siguro nila, ang engot naman ng babaeng to.  Magpapabangga lang, sa motor pa!  I wasn't hurt that badly, but I must admit I did lose my dignity there.  The motorbike driver scratched his head and kept saying "Suwi Miss, suwi Miss, suwi Miss."  I guess he was saying sorry, unless "suwi" meant that he was cursing the hell out of me.  I apologized and just smiled, knowing that for the most part, I was to share part (most) of the blame.  I drew consolation from the fact that nobody knows me, in a few hours, this incident will be forgotten.  I am just another face in the crowd.  Just part of an every day motorcycle accident statistics in this part of the world.  So I hurriedly dragged my stupid luggage at the other side of the road, feeling my cheeks grow hotter and hotter from my "star performance".  Really Kat?!?  A motorcylce??  My sorry dignity would have been happier if I got hit by a truck...  But no, it had to be a freaking motorcycle yeah?  Para din pala Manila to, di dapat pinapaniwalaan ang mga traffic lights!  So much for walking slowly huh?

Notre Dame Basilica

     And because I'm smart and one hell of a genius, all the hotels which I have shortlisted were all fully booked.  I was too busy concentrating on Cambodia that I didn't bother to make reservations for Saigon.  I had no choice but to hail a taxi to be taken to another side of the town where the more expensive hotels are.  Ayan, kuripot kasi.  Gagastos ka na rin lang, nagpabangga ka pa!

       I finally settled with Halo Hotel for a $30/night room.  It was double of what had I spent in Siem Reap but I was too tired to look for a much cheaper place.  Besides, I didn't want to be ran over by a motorbike again.  Baka mainis na si Lord, lubus lubusin na nya hahaha.

      After taking a quick shower, I went down the reception to ask for directions.  Wrong move...  Mas gugustuhin ko pa magbigti kesa intindihin yung English nya!   While the receptionist was charming, let's just say that English is not her forte.  So instead, I settled again with a map and prayed to God that I will be able to find my way back to the hotel.

Ca Phe Sua Da...  

     After thirty five minutes, my heart skipped a bit when I caught a glimpse of the Notre Dame Basilica. Haha, to think that I was aiming for the Reunification Palace.  I must have been reading the map the other way around again hahahahahaha.  And just like any other tourists, I took my camera out, put on my game face and aimed for the perfect shot.  Click.  Nothing.  I tried again...  Click.  ANAK NG TINAPAY!!!  Yes Kat, admit it.  You left the battery happily charging away inside your hotel room.  Epic failure, as always.  Reluctantly, I took out my phone and took pictures with a heavy heart. I swear, I will go back here tomorrow with a planned route and a fully charged camera!

  

   Except for the near death experience (ok, maybe not as dramatic as that) with the notorious motorbike, I think I like Saigon.  Tomorrow, I will go around the city and try not to get killed.  Tonight, I stuffed myself with Phở Bò Viên and two glasses of Cà Phê Sữa Đá.  Hello Saigon, you nearly killed me today.... 

Letter from Siem Reap, Cambodia

Dear Dad and Muymuy,

     It's already 12.57am (2 February 2011) and I still haven't figured out how to close my luggage.  I have tried every technique from rolling my shirts into tiny bundles, sitting on my luggage, rearranging and what nots.  It just wouldn't budge.  So for now, I have surrendered to the idea of dealing with  three hand carries--something that I dread the most.  Blame it on my sisters for asking pasalubong time and again.

     Tonight is my last night in Siem Reap.  In a few hours, I will leave this amazing place and take a 6 hour bus ride to Cambodia's capital, Phnom Penh.  I have no plans and I have no idea where to stay there since I initially decided to skip it altogether.  Bahala na...  I am sure I will find a place to stay despite the upcoming Tet holiday (Cambodian New Year).  

     I know I haven't been updating my blog and had been keeping you in the dark for a few days now.  Rest assured that I am still alive and kicking over here.  Don't worry, I didn't step on any landmines today.  Everyday, I discover new things about people, places and most specially, myself.

     Today, for example, I took a steep hike (1700m) to visit a Hindu pilgrimage site called Kbal Spean, the Valley of 1000 Lingas.  I promise to give you a blow by blow account and write about it later.  But I did get lost for an hour and ended up in the middle of nowhere.  I was able to find the way back, but by then, I was crying and feeling sorry for myself.  And as if it wasn't enough, my foot got caught in a massive tree root (which I swear wasn't there before).  I wasn't seriously hurt, but my ego was hahaha.  Don't worry, I have bruises from climbing the temples the other day too.

     If only I can capture the sounds, the smell and the sights of this place, I would take it home with me.  It is like a different era here.  I wish you can see it one day.

     I know you guys have seen so much more than my few days here.  The many months you've spent all over Europe is probably nothing compared to my brief stay here.  Both of you have been blessed to share your stories about your travels and I had always marvelled at that.  Now, it's my turn.  And I will.

     Please tell Kuya that I am taking good care of his precious camera.  I have tried to follow his tips but most of the times, I just snap away and depend on luck for good shots.  Please tell Ate that the elephant she's been asking for is way out of my budget and most of them have their tusks pointing down anyway. As for Joy, please let her know that I am cursing her from miles away because I can't close my luggage.  

     I love you so much.  I have met so many orphans yesterday and it made me appreciate you and my siblings even more.  Seeing them made me thankful for the kind of life that we were given, the education that you've instilled in us and the unconditional love that you've shared with us.  Our life is far from perfect, but being here reminded me of how blessed we are.

     Thank you for letting me take this journey...  I will try to close my luggage now and get a few hours of rest before I finally bid goodbye to Siem Reap.  I miss you.

 Love,

Kat

     

      

     

13 Gruesome Hours of Ass Torture

Saigon and a jungle of motorcycles

     After a few hours of sleep, I woke up at 6 am debating on whether or not I should take a shower.  Because I was pressed for time, I opted not to (yuck, I know) and hurried back to Nguyen Hotel to get some breakfast and my bus ticket.  

     I met two Indian guys at the lone breakfast table.  They smiled and immediately chatted me up.  "Hulloh, are you from India too?"  I smiled and shook my head, "No I'm Filipina."  They introduced themselves as Ravi and Kumar  and told me that they were also heading for Siem Reap.  Fortunately, they were taking another bus.  I didn't want to be stuck with them, they seemed full of energy.  Di ko sila type hehe.

     I jammed my mouth with French baguette smeared with butter and jam and remembered those years when my dad used to bring us to the Vietnamese village in Palawan.  If we have our pan de sal, the Vietnamese have their French baguettes (sosyal!).  The receptionist came and told me, "Ms. Kethera hurry eat please."  Teka teka, hirap kaya lunukin ng tinapay nyo!  I must have tried to swallow a big piece because I found myself grabbing for the cup of coffee...  Mainit pala masyado, napaso tuloy dila ko.  The coffee was divine and I would have loved a second cup if I was not running out of time and had my tongue not been scalded.

     The receptionist guided me out of the alley and onto the main street with a big red bus waiting.  I took the Mekong Express Limousine Bus and handed him $23 for my one way ticket to Siem Reap.  "See  you Ms. Kethera, have a wonderful trip.  Please come to our hotew again when you return from Cambodia."  I faked a smile, di na oi!  Pagkatapos mo kong itapon sa ibang hotel, come back come back ka pa dyan!

Kertu and his friends getting off at the Orussey Market, PP.

     I boarded the bus and the girl handed me a stub with my seat number on it. 9C.  I quickly waded my way through the back and prayed to God that I don't end up next to the urinal.  Utang na loob Lord, wag naman malapit sa banyo.  

     I gave a silent prayer of 10 Our Fathers and 4 Hail Mary's when I found my seat (ok, not really).  There was a huge (no pun intended) blonde guy sprawled across my seat.  He immediately straightened up, smiled and asked me if I was willing to swap so he can have the aisle seat instead.  I didn't mind of course.  I love window seats.  When he stood up so I can scoot and I realized that he must have measured a good 6ft...  For the life of me, I honestly didn't think that the that I will not be flattened against the window, just to make it fit.  Diyos ko, pano naman kami kakasya dito.  

The bus ticket comes with a wet tissue and snack of pastries

     He immediately plopped down and extended his hand, "My name is Kertu, and you are?"  I blinked and was momentarily speechless.  Ang panget naman ng pangalan mo haha.  Hello Kertu?  I'm Katrina.  "Oh Katrine!  My cousin's name in Finland is also Katrine."  Eh ano naman ngayon?  I immediately corrected him but then he went on and insisted that the correct name should be Katrine.  Bahala ka dyan, marunong ka pa sa nanay ko!

     I diverted my attention outside the window.  The streets of Saigon were infested with motorcycles.  They're everywhere just like what I've read.  The sidewalks were dotted  up by people drinking coffee and eating pho by the roadside.  I will definitely try that when I get back.  I was busy drinking in the unfamiliar signs of different establishments but Kertu decided that he will not make this an easy ride for me.  He tapped my knee (chancing ka pa dyan! hehe):  "Katrine, have a beer with me."  I looked at him because I wasn't sure if I heard him right.  There he was thrusting a can of Tiger beer on my face.  Ay Dyos ko po!  Sana Coke na lang yang binibigay mo sa kin.  

Mekong Express Bus at Moc Bai border

      I didn't know if God was playing a joke on me.  First, I smelled like tuyo on my flight to Ho Chi Minh.  Kertu stood up to grab something from the overhead bin.  Another can of beer.  Something tells me that I will end up smelling like chico as well.  

     The ride to Moc Bai-Bavet (Vietnamese-Cambodian) border took only a few hours.  By then, Kertu already had 3 cans of beer and told me that he's 19 (sayang hahaha), that my name is Katrine and not Katrina, that Nokia is from Finland (duh!), that I don't look  Pinay, and that I look young as compared to the fellow 19 year old girls that he was travelling with.  Had he not been drunk and incessantly chatty, I would have been flattered.  

     We were asked to get off the bus to have our luggages scanned and our passports stamped.  This is the first time I'm crossing an international border by myself.  Kertu immediately lined up behind me and I silently wished that they would find marijuana inside his pockets and lock him up forever hehe.  That is unfair Katrine, why were you not charged $20 for a visa?   I don't need a visa Kertu.  I'm Filipina.  But you don't look like a Filipina, you should pay dollars. Really???  Are you f*cking kidding me!?!

     I don't know if Kertu was genuinely dumb, or if he was just drunk, or was just trying to annoy the hell out of me.  I figured it was all of the above so I took my seat again, praying to God that he will be drunk enough to sleep the rest of the way.  

    After six hours and a few stops, we finally arrived in Phnom Penh.  God must have decided to give me a break because Kertu tapped my arm and told me that he and his friends will get off the bus now.  "Goodbye Katrine."  Goodbye Kertu, it was nice meeting you (not really).

Crossing the border, Bavet side

     The next seven hours passed by like a blur.  I drifted in and out of sleep.  Shifted my tired butt and stretched my legs.  There were 14 of us who continued the journey to Siem Reap.  There was an Irish couple, Mike and Anette.  An Australian guy named Terry.  Malene, Henrik, Niklas and Torben from Denmark and Sweden.  Marla, Kristina and Jessica from England.  The rest, I have no idea.  Being the only Asian in the group, they bombarded me with questions about the Philippines and asked me the inevitable question:  Why are you on your own?

     I pointed to Terry who was travelling on his own too.  Yes, but you're a girl and you're Asian.  I just smiled and told them that I wanted to try something new.  I guess they heard the wariness in my voice so they stopped hounding questions after that.  

     By then, my butt felt numb.  Everything outside was dark and I can feel my tummy rumbling.  You better be worth it Siem Reap...    

     

$10 dollar Saigon "Hotel"

     I wish I can say that I fell in love with Saigon on my brief stay there.  I thought I did, until I stepped out of Tan Son Nhat Airport.  Taxi drivers swarmed at me the moment I got out.  "Taxi lady? $35 dollar???"  WTF?!?  I am not stupid to pay $35 dollars just to get my ass off the airport.  And then somebody was grabbing my arm luring me into his cab.  "Oki oki, $15 dollar for taxi for the beautiful ledi."  Sus kuya!  Nangbola ka pa, malas mo at purdoy ako, kundi papatulan ko $15 dollars mo!  I've never felt so in demand before.  It feels like I'm a piece of meat thrown into a pit of hungry crocodiles.  I felt like a Hollywood superstar, everybody wanted me.  And then I glanced at the other people who were experiencing the same ordeal.  Okay, at least I am not the only victim here.  

     After so much haggling and playing the game of no-I-don't-want-your-price-please-lay-off-my-arm-walk-away-like-I-dont-care-look, I finally settled to pay $8 to get me into town.  Do you know the Nguyen Khang Hotel?, I asked while gritting my teeth knowing that I had still been ripped off.  Yes, I tek you to a nice hotew...  A very nice hotew!!!  NO!  I have reservations at Nguyen Khang.  I don't want a nice hotel!  But Nguyen Khang not a nice hotew...  I take you to a nice hotew...  We did that for a while and I had to explain to him that I will only be in Saigon for a few hours before I take the first bus out to Cambodia.  I didn't need a nice hotel, I just need a cheap one.  

     Saigon was well alive at that hour.  The streets were lined up of different establishments were nocturnal party animals dwell.  I drank in the sights and smell of the city but all I could smell was my hair.  It reeked of tuyo mixed with the pine car freshner dangling in front of me.  Twenty minutes later, he stopped at Pham Ngu Lao District.  I saw the colorful night lights of Saigon and I hurriedly scanned the signs to see where my hotel was.  Ledi, you go that way to your hotew...  He was pointing to a dark alley where I had to pass by some locals enjoying some beer.  Tambay sa kanto, Vietnamese style.  Jesus Christ, what did I get myself into?  I guess the taxi driver saw the horror register on my face once I found out that my hotel was in some seedy looking alley.  I told you ledi, Nguyen Khang isn't a nice hotew....  Impaktong to, pinamuka pa talaga sa kin!

Pham Ngu Lao at Night

     I braved the alley, just to spite the driver and pretended that I knew what I was getting myself into.  I walked extra fast everytime I saw some loitering people while cursing myself for bringing a luggage instead of a pack.  Finally, I saw my hotel.  Closed.  No, don't do this to me!  I rapped through the steel bars until somebody opened up.  You are Kethera?  I had been wetting for you.  Ano daw?  At kelan ba naging Kethera pangalan ko?  At bakit mo ko sinaraduhan kung hinihintay nyo pala ako???  

Hotel hotelan

     We did the usual chit chat, his words barely making sense considering that his English was not that perfect and since it was 2am, I was too tired to try and analyze what he was mumbling.  Tonight, you will stay at another guesthouse because we overbooked...  Then tomorrow, you come back for your bus ticket and your breakfast.  Ano daw?!?  Ilalagay mo ko sa ibang hotel na hindi ko naman binook?!?!?!?  

     I was too tired to even picture myself strangling him to death.  I followed him like a lamb about to be sacrificed.  He took me to another guesthouse, where we climbed stairs all the way to the fourth floor.  And I ended up in a crappy little room with no window.  I will not pay $17 dollars for this.  This is not what we agreed upon.  But Ms. Kethera, we are full.  It's not safe for you to go outside at this time.  I will not pay $17 dollars.  Oke oke, $10 for this room.  Dapat lang no!  

     So there I was, in some backdoor alley "hotel" with no window.  I psyched myself up banking on the fact that my ass will be out of there in a few hours.  It was clean and the sheets smell nice.  I was so disappointed that I didn't even bother to take pictures of it.

    I tried to convince myself that I will like Saigon when I get the chance to explore it after my Cambodia trip.  

     As tired as I was, smelling like tuyo at that, I quickly took a shower and just shook my head in dismay.  This is not how I imagined things to be...

Coffee, Tea or Tuyo???

     I was giddy and nervous when I finally reached NAIA 3 despite the Friday night traffic.  This is it, the start of my brief adventure.  To begin with, I hate airports.  It brings memories of saying goodbye  to people who are dear to me.  It's a one of a kind jungle with people coming and going.  It's confusing as hell and certainly not for the likes of me who'd panic at a mere sight of a crowded elevator.  But it had to be done Kat and you only have 15 minutes before they close the check in counter.

     After braving the crowd and waiting for kingdom come, I happily called my dad to announce that I am finally boarding.  "Wag kang mawawala."  Don't get lost, he said.  I bit back a smart-ass retort and just reassured him that I will get home in one piece.  Goodbye for now, Manila.

    The two and a half hour flight from Manila to Saigon was pretty much uneventful.  Or so I thought...  There I was happily sitting on my window seat when the guy right next to me (a fellow Pinoy)  tapped my arm, breaking my silent reverie.  "Miss, do you mind if I place this here?"  He was pointing to an innocent looking paper bag, the contents of which I will discover a few minutes later.  It's okay, I don't mind.  He smiled and jammed the paper bag in between us.  He then told me that he will be heading to Phnom Pehn to attend his brother's wedding.  I nodded and took a nice deep breath preparing to bombard him with questions about the city.  As I inhaled deeply, it finally dawned on me why he looked so apologetic when he asked to put the bag near me.  He must have seen me cringe because he then proceeded to explain:  "Uhmm, sorry the overhead bin is full.  My brother requested for dried fish.  I was in a hurry, I think I wasn't able to pack it properly"   I just nodded and smiled but in my head, I was mentally smacking him like a pro.

     Don't get me wrong,  I love dried fish just like any other Pinoys.  I am not at all bothered by the smell.  Pero utang na loob kuya, wag mo naman itabi yan sakin sa eroplano.  Seriously, WTF?!?  Why me?!?  I glanced at the person on the aisle seat and noticed that she's a tourist.  Kaya pala ako ang piniling parusahan ni kuya...  Kaya pala...

     So there I was, smelling like tuyo, finally setting foot in Tan Son Nhat Airport.  Well hello there Saigon, we finally meet...  

Ticket For One, please...

     I had been keeping my secret for a couple of months before I decided to break the news to my family in the midst of all the Christmas hullabaloo.  "Dad, I will be leaving for Vietnam and Cambodia at the end of January."  I sat there watching his face shift from happily-munching-a-piece-of-ham to a how-do-I-deal-with-what-she-just-said-expression.  "Who are you going with?"  He looked at me and started to light a stick of Marlboro, probably brazing himself for a shocking answer.  "I will be on my own Dad..."

     At that point, I think my dad would have preferred if I told him that I was going with a surprise boyfriend that they never knew existed.  For the life of him, he probably could not figure out why I would make such a decision.  And just as I had imagined, he asked me the inevitable question, "WHY?!?"

     I had never travelled alone.  I grew up living in a military base where my siblings and I grew accustomed to sticking together and mastering one specific route: home-school/office-home.  We never frequented bars or any other after-school/office-hangouts.   

     And though I am a lawyer by profession, I am generally shy and mostly keep to myself when thrown to a sea of strangers.  Unless you are a very close friend or a long time acquaintance, I will never dare speak to you unless your hair is on fire (okay, that might be exaggerating a bit, but you get the point).

     So why am I travelling out of the country alone?   I had been bombarded with this question for several weeks now and honestly, at times, I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from giving out a sarcastic retort.

     I wish I have an intelligent answer.  I wish I can just give you some mumbo jumbo answer and honestly say that I am just going through some quarter life crisis.  Or that I need to find myself.  I really wish I had something smart to say and put to rest any doubts that I might be meeting someone there.

     But I don't.  

     I bought my plane tickets a few months back because I was broken hearted.  I still am and had been for over a year now.  Yes, it may sound overrated and you might be having gag reflexes and probably rolling your eyes at this point.  But that is the honest truth.  

     I am alone because I don't have anyone right now.  It's as simple as that.  Yes, I have my family and my wonderful friends. But there are just some things that are meant to be done with a special person.  I am sure you get what I mean.  

     So instead of staying here, wallowing in recurring heartbreaking moments, I chose to go away and make things happen.  So instead of staying here, crying my heart out, I chose to do it while wandering around some remote place.  Instead of getting used to the idea of people leaving me behind, I chose to leave and live...   

     Sure, it would be fun to go through this experience with someone hand in hand.  But for now, it would just have to be me.  Just Kat...  

     Ticket for one, please...